Confessions of the Mad
by Kashii Ai
Summary: Sometimes, one is a victim of circumstance. Other times, one cannot help but give into the chaos within. But what is human? An anthology of the thoughts, reflections, motives, and conflicts of Crona Gorgon. Told in first person. Drabble series. No pairing
1. Across This New Divide

**Disclaimer:** All original Soul Eater characters, story, and affiliated media are copyright (c) 2004 by Atsushi Ohkubo. Kashii Ai, Cassie Drey, and any associated names/companies in no way own the Soul Eater series.

_Confessions of the Mad_ Story copyright (c) 2010 by Kashii Ai, Cassie Drey, and any associated names/companies

* * *

**Chapter 1: Across This New Divide**

_Post-Christmas arc, pre-BREW arc. Crona's reflections after betraying Shibusen._

I remember the first time I consumed a soul. There was destruction, shuffles, sniffles and cries, pain, beauty, and the creation of me. Under all those beautiful, apocalyptic stars sinking and blinking at me in the warm Italian sky, I took the first step toward becoming a pre-Kishin. Medusa-sama said I was good enough. She said I could—I was worthy. Medusa-sama said I was allowed to. It would transform to become a regret, the flash of all the things I failed to do, failed to understand. Maka-chan says I was just a victim of circumstance.

It still doesn't make what I did to her okay. I almost killed her partner under the color-stained glass dome of the cathedral, plunging Ragnarok deep and hard, in a slash from shoulder to hip. I didn't even bat an eyelash as I watched his hot, sticky blood mar the sacred church floor. It was the night the last fragments of my heart died and my real destruction began. It was the point from which I lost what little feeling I had left, and the pieces of memory began to blur together in a dark, bitter blend of pain. Pain, pain, pain; it's all I knew then, and all I know, now.

And I'm hurting every time I see Maka-chan, or Soul-kun, or Kid-kun, or any of my other friends smile at me, because I know I don't deserve it. It's there, between the soft hugs from Maka-chan and the gentle explanations Kid-kun would offer, vibrating and writhing in between the actions. A dark, ugly regret of what could have been and never will be; and I find that I struggle over and over and over again, until I exhaust myself, because it's always been the easiest option to just give up, give in. Sometimes, I find that I don't even have the strength to climb out of bed, or stand up from Mr. Corner. Sometimes, it's easier to just give in and do what I'm told. Kill. Eat souls. Kill more.

Somewhere that night, among Maka-chan's screaming heart and Soul's collapse to the ground, between Stein-hakase helping Soul and Death Scythe-sama's whining, something like lightning seared through me, and I was fried. Cooked. Corrupted. My fate was sealed, and my heart somehow knew, that I was doomed to fail from the beginning. What else would make me a living, breathing, walking tragedy?

All the hits and punches, screams, pain, smiles, beauties and heartbreak, are blurred together in a haze of dream. Sometimes, I remember pictures of thought and memory very clearly. Maka-chan's smiles. Medusa-sama staring down at me from beyond a lit doorway, while I sat in a dark room. Soul-kun teaching me basketball. Struggling from Ragnarok as he beat me for the millionth time. It was meant from the beginning for me to fail.

I was never meant to think I could be saved.

What right do I have? Who am I to question what I was born into?

But . . . Shinigami-sama is God.

God can forgive me, right?

God won't forget me, would He?

_Would He?_

_

* * *

_

**A/N:** I figured that the FFN Soul Eater archives needed something substantial like is well-demonstarted by the fact that one of my friends refers to FFN as, and I quote, "The Pit of Voles." XD

Thankfully, this fic is not Pit of Voles quality. XD

Chapters will be short, as this is a drabble series, and a collection of fragmented thoughts and reflections.

I love Crona very, very much, as do many others. She (I think she's a girl . . .) needs a character exploration, like this, I think. Very rarely do we find humanistic pieces in a fanfiction community. So, I give you this~!

_**PLEASE REVIEW!!!!!**_


	2. Melody

**Disclaimer:** All original Soul Eater characters, story, and affiliated media are copyright (c) 2004 by Atsushi Ohkubo. Kashii Ai, Cassie Drey, and any associated names/companies in no way own the Soul Eater series.

_Confessions of the Mad_ Story copyright (c) 2010 by Kashii Ai, Cassie Drey, and any associated names/companies

* * *

**A/N:** *sigh* It seems I cannot write a story these days without some sort of YouTube link. XD Before reading, please watch the following AMV (don't forget to take out the spaces): http :// www. youtube. com /watch ?v=t 24kZ BaHwk8

* * *

**Chapter 2:**** Melody**

_Post-Christmas arc. During trail-run arc, part 1. Crona's thoughts while touring Shibusen with Maka._

She watches me as we walk. I'm shy, and attempt to hide as she guides me down yet another hall. Her smile is brilliantly radiant. It blinds me, and warms me. It _hugs_ me. She giggles as I stick myself to the wall, determined not to turn the corner. There's too many people. She pauses, and looks back at me. Her huge apple-green eyes are soft and beautiful, and I can see velvet auroras stir inside them as she holds out a hand.

"Crona! C'mon, don't be scared." And she smiles again. I think her laughter sounds like sunshine. I cautiously allow her to take my hand, and she smiles at me as we round the corner. Her palm is warm and rough, and she squeezes me fingers slightly before releasing them. I look about myself carefully, and startle when I hear a shout.

"Maka! What's up?" I watch as she turns, and she smiles and waves high over her head.

"Kim! Jackie!! I'm just showing Crona-chan around school."

Two girls walked up. One has short pink hair, a lot like me, and piercing bright-green eyes. The other girl is beautiful, with long, dark shiny hair and slanted black eyes. I smile and wave awkwardly. I squeak as the girl with pink hair leans in, "Are you that demon sword?" Maka pushes the girl back, and her eyes are stern.

"Don't scare Crona, she's timid. And be nice, Kim."

Kim shrugs, "Whatever. Well, have fun Crona. Bye!" She waved, and I watch as they continue down the hall. A sunny giggle next to me catches my attention, and I smile softly as Maka laughs.

"C'mon, I want to show you the balcony!"

"Wh—what's that?"

"You'll see. C'mon!"

Her warm, gentle hand wraps around my wrist, and she softly pulls me along. This was the girl who had reached me. I sat alone for such a long time, in my lonely circle drawn in the desert sand. My shadow questioned me. Berated me. I always passed. All I remember is blinding, hot yellow. It yawned and stretched at me, and the color laughed at me, freakish and vast. The yellow was topped by the blinding blue of the hot, electric sky. There was nothing but the endless sound of cicadas, and the scratch of my stick through the grains of sand as I counted my passes. The blinding, terrible-and-soupy yellow falling against the electric tension of that sweating blue sky. The obnoxious colors laughed at me, mocked me, and I retreated to that horribly colorful haven every time I couldn't deal with things.

She is soft, cool, green and ashy, wintery yellow-blonde; soft pastel colors and bright, vibrant red. She filled up my empty stage with her melody. It's like she handed me something tangible, when it used to simply slip through my fingers. I can touch it, caress it, feel it. The song resonates with every step she takes as we walk down the hall, the pounded keys on a piano as the melody strikes its godly, beautiful chords. I'm here, Crona. I won't leave you. I won't leave you. I'm here. Take my hand. Let's go up to the balcony, Crona-chan.

It's an area on Shibusen's roof. The cobbled stone clicks beneath my shoes as we approach the edge. Marie-sensei is there. I immediately scramble to the wall, and hunch over. I hide. Heights frighten me. I don't know how to deal with heights.

"Crona! Come and lift you head." Sunshine smile looks me in the face. She giggles. I slowly raise my head, and allow my eyes to peek over the edge. I gasp. The view is incredible, and I can see so much of Death City from here. Colorful, twisted buildings are spread out below me, and I can see for the first time a good portion of the historical Death City that everyone always talks about. A breeze tugs at our hair and clothing. Nevada is breathing, again.

I think I'll stay here for a while.

I'll keep listening to her melody.

It's a good one.

* * *

**A/N: **I'll probably be basing the next several installments (and maybe even the rest of this piece) off of the AMV. We shall see!!

Was beta'd by caveat lector. Thank yah's, Na-chan~~

_**PLEASE REVIEW!!!!!**_


	3. The Railroad Crossing

**Disclaimer:** All original Soul Eater characters, story, and affiliated media are copyright (c) 2004 by Atsushi Ohkubo. Kashii Ai, Cassie Drey, and any associated names/companies in no way own the Soul Eater series.

_Confessions of the Mad_ Story copyright (c) 2010 by Kashii Ai, Cassie Drey, and any associated names/companies

* * *

**Chapter 3:**** The Railroad Crossing**

_Crona's thoughts during clear moments in current arc._

"_Crona, I would like to be your friend."_

It's the first time anyone has ever said that, to me. The first time anyone has ever called to me, ever said my name, with such love and care. It was like I was at a railroad crossing, and I was pulled out. Because she called my name. Her smile, her laugh. She even pulled off her glove, baring her hand to me, so we could shake. She made me cry, a new experience, that felt releasing. A simple request.

"_Crona, I would like to be your friend."_

I wish she would call my name again.

"_Crona, that dress is pretty on you!"_ A giggle. A smile.

Pull me from the railroad crossing. Pull me back, as the clanging train comes. Is my heart cold? Have I become wicked, once again? There are times I feel like ice, during the blanks. I have periods I don't remember, can't recall clearly. Medusa-sama has gripped me, once again. For some reason, I know this. I don't know, I just do. I don't show that the memories of Shibusen leak back. My room there, the teachers, my friends. My friends.

"_Oi, oi! Come to the arcade with us, Crona!"_

Her happy smile. Her soft, calloused hand wrapping around mine. I miss it. My heart has been turned back to ice. My blood is black. I don't know how to deal with it all, when the memories flood back on the long nights when Ragnarok sleeps, and I'm locked away in my room. I wish she were here, or that I was back at Shibusen, just so that I can hear her call my name, once again. The train still comes, its whistles blowing, loud, loud, loud. It screeches against my ears, as the clanging from the warning bells rings on the air. The safety bars come down, and I'm trapped in the railroad crossing.

You promised so many things. Apple picking in the fall, hunting for desert flowers in the spring. Hold my hand tight, and lead me to the mall, the arcade, the coffee shop. I will follow you, wherever you may go. Call my name. Call me back to you, just once more. Call me back, away from this railroad crossing, before the train hits me. I want to come back, so we can do those things again. Call my name.

I know if I hear you, as if by magic, this curse will break, and I will be home again.

I will come running back.

"Please give me a name, once more. I will leave the railroad crossing, and become strong, so call my name, out loud, many times, like you used to. Call me."

~Izumi from _Full Moon wo Sagashite_: chapter 20, _Please Call My Name When I Get Lost at the Railroad Crossing_

_

* * *

_

**A/N:** This was a very emotional piece for me, mostly because the story I based this from came to me in one of my hardest times, and was a great comfort to me. So, yes. This was very personal, and I wrote it from my heart. =_=

**_PLEASE REVIEW!_**


End file.
